You’re not asking for too much. You’re just asking the wrong man.
SEX ADVICE | FEBRUARY 14, 2026
5 MIN READ
WORDS by Jona Montoya
“Hi Jona. I’m seeing someone who treats sex with me like it’s a gym membership — frequent, lots of intensity, lots of confidence, very “I know what I’m doing” energy. We’ve been seeing each other three to four times per week for the past two months. And to be fair, the sex is great. No complaints there. He says he’s just having sex with me. I believe him.
The thing is, once the sex is over, things feel very hollow. We meet at my place, he never wants to stay the night, and I often go to bed feeling sad and restless.
My question is: At what point do you admit you want more — and how do you tell if that’s reasonable, or if it’s just you wanting something this setup was never meant to give?”
Dear Sad and Restless,
You’re not wrong. What you’re experiencing is the very modern confusion between being activated by someone and being held.
You’re sleeping with a man who is very good at sex. Not generous, not curious — good. Efficient. Confident.
That hollow feeling afterwards? That’s not you being needy. That’s your nervous system clocking the absence of aftermath.
Good sex creates heat. Intimacy creates residue.
Right now, you’re getting heat and no residue. It’s all fireworks, but fireworks don’t keep us warm at night, do they?
A lot of grown men have agreed to call this enough. I personally have agreed to call that enough when it suits me. Not because it is enough, but because it’s tidy. It asks very little. You don’t have to negotiate feelings, or vulnerability, or the slow embarrassment of wanting more than you pretended you did.
SEX-AS-SPORT is appealing because intimacy requires sticking around when there’s nothing impressive happening. Simple as that. When someone’s desire is all performance and no curiosity, you start to feel like an interchangeable body rather than a specific person. And chemistry without kindness doesn’t age well. It’s thrilling at first, then faintly humiliating, then exhausting. You keep telling yourself you’re “fine with it” while quietly resenting how HOLLOW you feel.
Plenty of men will happily keep you in a loop of intensity without intimacy BECAUSE IT SUIT THEM. It flatters their ego. It avoids their feelings. It lets them feel desired without being known. There is nothing inherently wrong with that — unless you stay when it’s no longer feeding you.
What matters is not whether you wanting more is reasonable.
What matters is that YOU WANT MORE. That’s the data.
THE ADULT MOVE here isn’t drama or ultimatums. It’s honesty, delivered calmly, without apology. Something along the lines of: “I enjoy this, but I’m starting to want something with a bit more depth. If that’s not what you’re offering, I need to know.”
WARNING: When you make the adult move, four things tend to happen.
First: the temperature drops. The flirtation may soften. The replies might take longer. This isn’t punishment. You’ve shifted the interaction from performance to intimacy, and this moment feels risky because it removes your main currency — being easy, fun, uncomplicated. That can feel like loss. It isn’t. It’s you stepping out of the role.
Second: you will get clarity, fast. People who want depth don’t panic when depth is mentioned. They might not know how to do it, but they lean in. They ask questions. They get a bit clumsy. That’s a good sign. People who don’t want depth don’t argue about it. They deflect. They’ll say things like: “I’m just not in that headspace right now”,“I really like what we have”, “Let’s not overthink it”. None of these are evil sentences. They are, however, complete answers. You saying “I enjoy this, but I’m starting to want something with a bit more depth.” accelerates what would otherwise take months of emotional static.
Third: you will feel exposed — briefly. You may feel embarrassed. Like you’ve admitted to wanting something uncool. There’s often a small internal voice that says, “Why couldn’t you just enjoy it?” Ignore that voice. It’s nostalgia for numbness. What you’re actually feeling is the discomfort of alignment. Your behaviour is finally matching your values, and there’s a short-lived ache that comes with that. It passes.
Fourth: your self-respect gets louder. Once you’ve named what you want, it becomes much harder to tolerate situations that don’t meet it. You stop romanticising crumbs. You may have less sex for a bit. You will almost certainly have better sleep. And even if the connection ends, you don’t feel rejected in the old way. You feel complete. You showed up honestly. That changes the texture of loss entirely.
Just remember: You don’t make the adult move to get the outcome you want. You make it so that whatever happens next is real. That’s the difference. Wanting tenderness does not make you naïve. It makes you human.
My advice: Deliver honesty. Not as a demand. As information. If he steps up, excellent. If he disappears, you have your answer… You’re not asking for too much, you’re just asking the wrong man.
